Paint it Red

It has been exactly 4 months since the last time I encountered you and let you persuade me into ruining my forearms. This is the longest i have gone without seeing you in 5 years. I can feel the blood under my skin flowing throughout my body. I want to empty it so bad but even one puncture could be fatal.

I have been able to stay sober from you by coping in more positive ways, such as sitting and observing how intense the feeling is then describing out loud or on paper how it physically feels. You would be suprised what adjectives pop into your head to describe how you feel. Right now, I feel agitated and anxious/scared. These are trigger emotions. I dont want to avoid feeling them but confront them head on in my wise mind. Why run to hurting yourself just because you are scared to make a phone call? So many other alternatives than cutting.

I want to see red. I want to feel its molassesy texture and watch it elongate through my finger tips. Bright red. Watching my life in between my thumb and pointer finger. All I can think about is red and not to be strange but I yearn to taste it once again.

I’m writing to you, reader, to let you know that if you are having urges right now to put down the blade and pick up the pen. Write. Draw. Scribble or chew the pen cap. I dont care. Whatever it takes to get you into wise mind. Whatever it takes to keep you from destroying the most important gift, your body. Trust me when I say these scars hold me back from everything in life. Only because I let it hold me back. I have made the step and started working again. Its been about 3 months now.

Tes, people ask about the scars. They ask all the time. No a cat didnt do this, I did this to myself. No I dont want to explain to you what logic I used at the time because I didnt think logically, I thought emotionally and on impulse.

The urges subside the more you write. The intensity slows down. And that rush subsides. The urge for instant gratification is soon passed and I get to congratulate myself for making it through another wave of urges.

Situational stress has got the best of me but no matter what, I am trying to stay abstinent from you, self harm. I am achieving my goals and I dont need you ruining my plans again.

Love and Rage

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